Once the rage subsides

There is so much chaos. So many scenes that I replay in my head — the arguing, the other parties, my children's tears — that I wish I could take back. The end of my 12-year marriage didn't even happen the way I imagined a marriage ended, quickly, quietly, through a conversation and drenched in mutual tears. The tears were spread out over three full years, smack bang in the middle of a global pandemic. I could rehash the drama but there is no point. Once the anger subsides, I am able to see my part in this. I made conscious and unconscious choices. Let me lay it out:

Consciously, I chose to focus on my children, and not balance that with financial independence from my ex-husband. I've always worked, and for the last 8 years or so I worked a second job alongside being an accountant. But slowly but surely, as my hands became more full with being the mother I know my kids needed, I was less insistent on salary negotiations and more likely to say no to extra work. More likely to overspend when I was dealing with loneliness (that came later, in a desperate attempt to prove my worth).

Subconsciously, I knew that my ex-husband both loved and hated me. I chose to think I could love enough for both of us. I chose to imagine that my own reactions to his lack of support, his lack of substance, his lack of character, his lack of interest in my family or my dreams, our mutually incompatible ideas of what an equal relationship looked like, that somehow he didn't see how disappointed I was in him. Disappointment breeds resentment....from both sides. Who knew? I see now, looking back, that I could have known if I had really wanted to.

Enough with the lists though, because the self-recrimination is also finally easing off. I was a fool, but I'm also on a fool's jounrey. I was treated cruelly, but I was also pushed into being a crueler version of myself. It's over though, that part. The part where I was fighting to be with an ex that, looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to win. Why was i fighting then? Fear. Fear created anger and anger created ego. And ego fed the fear. Some wierd snake eating its own tail. But that's over, thank God. Now it's the first steps to rebuilding my life and getting my children back. Thank God for my kids. I now know that the love i have for them, this intense, unconditional, painfull love, is second only to the love I must have for myself. Thank God I've made the first steps. Come on, Bantu Voice, manifest like the magician, you can do it xx