Terror

I wake up terrified, at 4 am most often nowadays. Filled with fear that a new day is on its way, whether I like it or not. Time is unbending, punishing, creeping. The early hours tick down to morning, which ticks down to mid-morning, which ticks on relentlessly to midday. I'm trapped in my mind, terrified at the lack of options and the cage I've built for myself. It's the same cage from 2 decades ago, how is this possible? I must have built this cage while I was busy with my life, leaving it deep in my subconscious while I was deluded. The fear now chases me int the cage, where I hope for time to stand still, like I did so many times ago. So now it's clear that I am the source of my problems, that whatever chaos I am in is no one's doing but my own. I'm the wicked one? What about the kindness and love I extended to those I loved, was that just another of my delusions? I'm so so scared. How do I rebuild when what I am building on was delusional to start with? I thoight I was a good mother. I thought I had tried to build an income that would sustain me and my children. I thought, I think, I want to stop thinking. But time is relentless, every day like a vice around my neck, squeezing panic through my veins. 

But the tears I have cried every time I was in this cage have never loosened the grip. Looking back, tears and panic and fear have never helped to move me forward. Now I must try to walk alongside the terror, forget the tears and allow myself to do what I can in a day, what I can in an hour. I'm terrified of myself and my future, of this world, of where I am in life. 

Praying, praying, praying...let my children be ok. Let me be ok, God. Help me to survive and rebuild.